On Life, Love, and really bad decisions

I rarely use this blog for personal reasons but tonight I feel the need. I just got home from work (yes, I'm aware it IS 3 a.m.) and I'll be right back there in five hours for another glorious ten-hour day.

Ever have those times where you sit back, look at your life, and question every big decision you've made? Two years ago I scorned the University of Colorado as somewhere that all the dumb and unmotivated people went to school. I decided I didn't want to be a doctor because I thought it was something my parents wanted for me more than I did. I went to Notre Dame a solid Catholic who was majoring in Psychology, Political Science, and Russian, with dreams of becoming a lawyer.

Now, I'm turning down a $30,000 a year academic scholarship to the University of Notre Dame in favor of CU. Which, by the way, is giving me no money. I'm rethinking my career choice AGAIN because I think I can do a little more good in the world through the medical profession. I've lost religion, for good this time I think. My life no longer has a certain direction, which is scary and frustrating. I feel like I've lost nearly as much emotional ground as I've gained.

An attractive and charismatic guy asked for my phone number today. I turned him down because I'm in a happy and committed relationship, but wondered - just for a second - what life would be like if I had decided differently. What if I had never met Ian? What if my parents had decided to let me return to Notre Dame after only one semester off? What if I had never TAKEN time off school? What would I be doing with my life? Would I be content?

I'm seeing my life as a choose-your-own adventure novel, except this time I don't get to cheat and see all the alternate endings. I don't get to pick which one would make me the happiest in the end. This moment is a photon in a light spectrum of alternate and parallel universes bouncing around a roomful of mirrors...intersecting and colliding and curving away.

I hope I've picked the right thing.