7 Worst Valentine's day Gifts

February 14th….that unique holiday dedicated to using cutesy capitalism to exploit someone to have sex with you. It’s eagerly awaited by those lucky girls who’ve managed to tie down a man (either by looks, being great in bed, or inheriting family fortunes) and simultaneously dreaded by those lonely women who have no one to spend money on them – generally because men are intimidated by their charm, poise, and intelligence.



But single ladies, this V-Day is nothing to cry about. You COULD be in a relationship and getting…one of….THESE Valentine’s gifts. I present:



7 Valentine’s Day Gifts to Ensure that Your Man WON’T Be Getting Laid



#7 A Personalized magazine cover. Are you such a narcissist that you’re willing to pay $50 to see your glittering smile on the front of a magazine that only you will see? This gift is for you. Or rather, for her.




No, it’s not a whole magazine. Just a cover. For this small fee you can see a slightly blown-up picture of you and your girl, obstructed with annoying headlines to fake stories. How weird, and awkward. What do you DO with that? This is one of those gifts where you provide a distraction that gives you enough time to throw it in the trash, and then claim that you lost it. And cry about it. (Boys are confused and misdirected by tears, it’s a perfect cover)
Hah! Cover..? get it?....

#6 Valentine’s Day Toilet Paper: “I’m going to wipe my ass with your love”.





Enough said.



#5 Samsung’s ubiquitously-advertised “Black Cherry BlackJack II” phone. It’s even red. The color of love. Everybody knows that if you give something that’s crimson-colored, it means you love them. Red roses, red hearts, red lingerie, red candles….yes, even a red card that says “I’m Having Your Best Friend’s Love Child” will suffice.



My TV tells me that this phone is the perfect way to tell someone that I adore them. My heart tells me that it’s the perfect new way to find out your significant other is cheating on you.



#4 Matching Love Rats. What says “I adore you” like matching…plastic…rodents? Oh wait – they’re RED!!! The color of love! Okay, now I get it.



#3 Love Gun. “Just load one of the plastic cupids into the ‘cupid cannon’ and shoot it at the boy or girl of your dreams! Love is not guaranteed”.





Yes, yes, I sometimes dream about my boyfriend pointing a loaded gun at me. I can see where this is coming from.




#2 Wife Remote. With the click of a button, you can have your wife: Fetch Beer, Gimme Some Fast/Slow/Dirty, Massage my Feet, or Clean the Dishes, or Mute. Guys, lemme tell ya, the way to a woman’s heart is making her your bionic slave. I def. recommend.



Finally, the #1 way to say I love you this Thursday:



#1 Chocolate Breasts. Because there’s nothing quite like sucking on a titty with your boyfriend/husband watching. Or better yet, watching HIM lick a nipple.…that’s not yours.



I’m done here.